Challenge #1

I challenge Shakespeare to a poetry-writing contest.

I know what you're all thinking. How could I possibly write a better poem than Shakespeare? After all, he is considered to be one of the world's greatest writers. Well, I'm betting that just cuz Shakespeare's dead he probably won't show up.

Challenge #2

I challenge Mickey Mouse to a “stuff your face” Swiss cheese eating contest.

He can eat all the cheese and I'll eat all the holes or spaces in-between. I'm too fat anyway, so Mickey Mouse can have the fatty cholesterol. And besides, my head is so full of holes and spaces that I have plenty of room for more.

Challenge #3

I challenge Einstein's Theory of Relativity to an all out debate against my Birdbrain Blabbermouth Babblement Premise.

I intend to prove that my babblement premise of “ G oofball ninnyhammer antics PLUS my unknowable knowable knowledge TIMES my ability to be bamboozled and caboozeled EQUALS One Perfectly Imperfect Dodo Bird” is a provable unprovable fact. I also intend to show that Einstein's theory of E=mc 2 came right out of his genius head. Whereas, my theory popped right out of my big fat beak so to speak.

Challenge #4

I challenge all the Rock & Roll Insect groups to a once and for all bug-off off-key
bug-singing contest.

I call it the “ Battle of the Bugs” contest. So bring on the Beatles, Buddy Holly and the Crickets, the Crooked Butterflies, the Uncles and Ants, the Black Widows, the Fleabags, and the Killer Bees. My group “Dum Dum Dodo and the Itsy Bitsy Ditsy Ladybugs” will spray them right off the stage. Let the American Idol audience decide which bug group sings more out of tune, and which group can be the biggest bug up their butts.

Challenge #5

I challenge Shrek the Ogre to a feather-tickling wrestling match.

I went to Shrek's movies a bunch of times. Slowly I walked up to the screen, tickled his belly, and shouted, “Hey Shrek, you're under attack so tickle back.” But he completely ignored me, and went about his business. So now I just might have to jump into the movie screen after him. Let the American movie audience decide. Am I Shrek ogrefied or is he Dodo petrified?

Challenge #6

I challenge Bill Gates of Microsoft to a gate and door opening contest.

I say that I can open more gates and doors and let in more homeless into his mansion than he can.

Challenge #7

I challenge actor Brad Pitt to a pit spitting distance contest.

He can choose any pit from any fruit—an apple, peach, mango—it doesn't matter which one. Pit for pit—spit for spit—I'll be the spit-pit misfit birdbrain twit who won't quit till I'm the “Pit It” champion.

Challenge #8

I challenge Sir Isaac Newton's law of gravity. I contest that what goes up doesn't always come down.

My proof is in the following: The upside doesn't always have a downside. People say “up yours” and not “down yours.” It's “upsy-daisy” and not “downsy-daisy.” People mostly say the “upper of all uppers” and not the “downer of all downers.” It's “up-up and away” and not “down-down and stay.” It's “up and coming” and not “down and going.” There you have it—my upper and no downer Dodo theory. Sorry Isaac, you lose.

Challenge #9

I challenge Christopher Columbus to a finding America expedition.

I guarantee that I can find America a million times more than he did. He only found it once, but I bet I can find America every single time I open my eyes.

Challenge #10

I challenge Freud's theory of psychoanalysis against my Dodo nonsensical hypothesis.

My hypothesis states that all human emotions are related to feelings that they feel at the time that they're feeling them. How does Freud feel about my feeling on feelings? Please feel free to tell him to call me. We'll discuss my hypothesis over lunch; I'll bring the birdseed, and crackers.